Friday, February 12, 2010

Ang Pinaka Istar 2009

when you mix sex, scandal, violence and local celebrities you get the Yahoo Top Searches for 2009 celebrity list. Here's my take on the list and why we, the hapless masses are affected (if we are affected).


deny it, baduy it, you know i know you secretly sneak a peek in the local entertainment section of the newspaper for your daily fix of kris aquino. she's the proverbial kuto (head lice), you just can't get her out of your head. wapak!

beware, this is not for the lighthearted or those that has a quick barf reflex. you've been warned!



#10 - JUDY ANN SANTOS - when the populist Siopao Girl finally said her "i do's" to the english spokening la sallista the whole world (or at least the philippines) fell in love all over again. although he is the siopao sauce to her bola-bola, the chili sauce to her siomai, people secretly longed for derek ramsey to be the hotdog to her bun. 



#09 - ANNE CURTIS - dyosa reintroduced ann curtis to primetime viewing supported by hunky chunky corned beef, err... leading men that made her fantasy series a mega hit with men who loved her, men who loved the leading men, and women who wished they had the men.

ako si Mars (zanjoe marudo), ang mortal na umiibig sa dyosa!
ako si Adonis (sam milby) ang halimaw na nagnanasa sa dyosa!
ako si Kulas (luis manzano) ang syokoy na lumalangoy sa batis ng dyosa.
at ako si Piolo Pascual, ANG DYOSA!



#08 - COCO MARTIN - aka Rodel Nacianceno. no wonder they changed his screen name. Coco is arguably the philippine indie prince. with most indie films centered on gay themes he has a track record of dropping his pants every ten minutes of every film he starred in. well not really. it's all because of art. i just felt my IQ drop a thousand points.

Coincidentally, Coco Martin is the only male celebrity that made it to the list. we don't count Michael Jackson (#07) as exactly male. even his doctors started to refer to Michael as "it". They even had a movie made for it. "This is IT!"


#07 - MICHAEL JACKSON - he holds the unique post of the only foreign celebrity that made it to the top ten filipino celebrity search. his sudden death caused a massive online activity as every blogger wanted to write an article about the king of the pop. they're still arguing whether he died because of drug overdose - presumably from the liters of botox that vicky injected into his system. stiffer than a dodo.



#06 - MARIAN RIVERA - she shot to fame with all the latin telenovelas starring opposite her perennial screen partner dingdong dantes. she eventually admitted that she loved the dong in ding when they came out with their off-screen relationship. no problem, except that dong was then linked to karylle. when she was cast as darna, karylle (ex girl friend of dingdong) was heard to have said... mas bagay sa kanya si valentina. ahas sya, ahaaaaasssssssssss.


#05 KRIS AQUINO - she has it all and she apparently doesn't want to share. just ask james. people got into a major online search frenzy when she figured in a reported shouting-confrontation match with a feeling-too-close fan of james. apparently mayen austria is a die hard fan of Purefoods Hotdog, or should we say ehem... someone's hotdog?! here's a fictional conversation between kris and korina when mar decided to drop his bid for the presidency:

kris : mare, oh my gosh. you're not sooo the first lady na ha?! and to think you dated my brother too! aha ha ha ha ha ha.
korina : (trying to sound calm) in fairness, at least walang first lady. (note to self, as if i'd get myself hitched with someone who graduated A.B.Normal!)
kris : no-no-noooo you forget mare, i will be the first lady ever! my gosh. lagot si joey marquez nito. and that austria girl? i'll make sure she never delivers her ewwwnesss cakes to malacanang!
korina : (resisting the urge to shout invectives) owwws, if you're the first lady, second lady na lang ako friend. di ba? that's still good.
kris : BF! you're so dense, di ba sabi ni madam auring, the next vice president will be a lady! am sure that won't be loren. you know, i know that we know who the REAL second lady is a-ha ha ha ha ha.
kris : mare? helllow! are you still there? mare? my gosh, this cellphone is so low signal.


on another note, kris did a movie with sharon in mano po 6 considered to be a landmark event considering that kris agreed to be a supporting actress. insiders that saw them together agree they could actually be twins separated at birth.

Sharon was quoted to have said when she met kris for the first time: "friend (in showbiz, the term friend is synonymous to noodles: instant) , i feel like you are my other half." to which kibitzers murmured under their breath, "kung one half sila, ano na kaya ang one whole?! si shamu?"



#04 - PAMELA BIANCA MANALO - her claim to fame? Winning the Binibining Pilipinas 2009 Universe and the rare chance to be brought to colombia by her trainer who presumably ordered excessive biological enhancements that she came back a cross between michael jackson and vicky belo. she cried, she wailed and claimed she was cheated and denied the crown in the bahamas competition. kris sought the opinion of melanie marquez as to what advise she can give pamela to which melanie promptly said:

"it's your loss, not theirs!"

winner.



#03 SANDARA PARK - failing to find her fame in the Philippines where she was considered the pambansang krung krung, she went back to korea and became part of the mega popular girl band 2NE1 and had the whole philippines dancing to her infectious brand of dance tunes. she came back to the Philippines, and true to form, long lost relatives from all over the country showed up with hopes of getting some doleouts. Luneta Park, La Mesa Eco Park and even Rajah Park Hotel lined up with hopes to meet Sandara.


#02 ANGEL LOCSIN - GMA's golden girl gave up a bright bright career and moved over to ABS CBN where she was paired with the hunky corned beef men in a series of projects starting with Lobo (Piolo Pascual), Only You (Sam Milby, Diether Ocampo) and a string of movie hits. The year ended with a major split up with boyfriend Luis Manzano. Asked for details, the obviously frustrated Angel said :

"I have to contend with leading men who wished i was a man, now i have a boyfriend who wants to play the role of gay man. ayoko na. ayooooko naaaaa."


#01 MARICAR REYES - the name became a viral sensation over the web with her sex video with hayden kho making the rounds in internet cafes and mobile phones. she kept her silence unlike katrina halinghing who squeezed every bit of publicity from the scandal. maricar earned the ire of vicky belo who fumed at the fact her own video didn't sell as much as maricar's. even dionisia pacquiao's video with hayden did better than vicky's.

In an interview with Maricar, she finally let out her thoughts on Hayden:


"He has his SHORTcomings. But yes, he has a talented TONGUE. He's very glib, he definitely knows how to sweet talk women. he really had this BIG fantasy of becoming an artista even when we were med students. Vicky is his ticket to stardom. Do you really think he can sing? My gosh. Celebrity Duets was a joke. But I do agree, his tongue is a performer. Magaling syang umarte. I don't know who he is anymore, he's a monster. He is HALF THE MAN that I remember. Specifically, less than five inches. I felt sooo DIRTY that no matter how much Tide I use, I can never get rid of the stain on the bedsheets."

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Winner!! - Piloy

Erich Jao said...

you have raised the notch in making me laugh!!! well worth the wait amigo.

i truly love the ingenuity of your work for kris aquino...

ajota said...

kalowkah!!! weeener ang koring-kris conversation. at ang "this is IT"...never thought of "it", cacho. twisted ka talaga. LOL lavet! can i repost sa FB? :) i wanna share my mirth. :p

Oscar said...

This is so funny! I swear every 'scandal' star should take the Maricar Reyes route and parlay their 15-minutes of fame into a pseudo-TV host-cum-personality job.

Anonymous said...

China and Russia put the blame on some screwed up experiments of US for the earthquake that happened in Haiti.
Chinese and Russian Military scientists, these reports say, are concurring with Canadian researcher, and former Asia-Pacific Bureau Chief of Forbes Magazine, Benjamin Fulford, who in a very disturbing video released from his Japanese offices to the American public, details how the United States attacked China by the firing of a 90 Million Volt Shockwave from the Americans High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP) facilities in Alaska
If we can recollect a previous news when US blamed Russia for the earthquake in Georgio. What do you guys think? Is it really possible to create an earthquake by humans?
I came across this [url=http://universalages.com/hot-news/what-happened-in-haiti-is-it-related-to-haarp/]article about Haiti Earthquake[/url] in some blog it seems very interesting, but conspiracy theories have always been there.

Cacho said...

dear mr anonymous-earthquake-haiti, thank you for your post. now hayden has another excuse for his action, the US made me do it. lavet!

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