Things I Hate About Boracay

i don't want this to sound like the usual boracay-praise-to-heaven-cliche write up. so... instead of writing about the best things that boracay can offer, here's the dirt dish:

1. Dirty Old Men - try reading up the lonely planet entry about Cebu and they describe the usual european/american foreigner here as old, twice divorced, living on pension, drunk, rowdy and have this fashion accessory called exotic ladies in tow. same goes for boracay. it is bad to generalize but that's generally the same set of people i see beached by the shore, probably too fat to drag themselves once they drift away from the herd (yes, a group of whales form "herds").

Click Read More for Boracay Pictures

2. Persistent Vendors - try to take a stroll in Station 2 - 3 and every other step along the way you'd get offered to buy shades, pearls, an ATV (all-terrain vehicle) ride, paraw sailing, island hopping, boat ride, banana ride, bicycle ride and recently, a ferris wheel ride right in them middle of D'Mall. An ugly ugly contraption that's set right in the middle of the outdoor mall.

3. The Hilot Chorale - there are stalls that offer every kind of foot spa and massage right on the beach or in one of the many establishments offering the service. in the first place, i don't like coconut oil slathered over my body like latik on suman and i hate this particular stall where they have a bunch of young ladies that chorus MASSAGE SER??? everytime you pass by. some stalls look like they offer sup or moderet services... to those that are ignorant of this modus operandi, they usually start the massage and offer "SUP or MODERET SER?" ask them what they mean and they usually say... supsupon na ser o moderetso na ta? aruy ko.

4. Her Bred? - Just like the hilot places sprouting all over, you get people who offer to bred (braid) your hair to resemble jamaican cornrows. It is just a bit insulting when they offer to braid your hair when my companion is completely, utterly, bald.

5. Overrated Hotels - everyone is writing a lot of Tides this, Tides that. Honestly, it's just a result of very good PR. The hotel is nothing spectacular... right in the middle of D'Mall (which means you have to go through throngs of people to get to the white sandy beach). You want something really awesome? Try Discovery Shores or Pearl of the Pacific. Right on the beach, no horde and quiet quiet quiet... ah.

6. Rude Tricycle Drivers - Just because i look like an arab or a japanese is not an excuse to charge me Php 50 pesos for a short short (ok i admit, silly me, i should have just walked) tricycle ride. The going rate is Php 6.50 and was advised to carry the exact change because they won't give you change if you give them seven or ten pesos. Php 20 per person from White Beach to the Pier, Php 100 for a special trip (no one else rides with you on the tricycle, good for people that carry tons of makeup cases like Malu Fernandez while going on a beach trip).

7. Lovers on the Beach - yes, it is true, after partying and getting drunk sessions, some people do roll around by the beach, the fine white sand coating their coconut oil slathered bodies like espasol. I assume they have rooms? Drats, would have made a killing if i had night vision video cameras... Pinoy Boracay Scandal Parts 1 to 100.

8. White Powdery Sugar Sand - Bora is famous for this, but really, it is hell for hairy apes like me. The fine white sand has a tendency to get stuck between my butt cheeks. If you have a long way to walk to get to your room... eeet huuuurrrts. enough said.

9. Annoying Couple Clones - It's just me, but i get a kick out of couples who dress up the same way with matching themes and colors. The koreans are particularly susceptible to this mental affliction. but in the grander scale of things, the Koreans add to the tourist spending in Bora.

A Wide Wide Angle Picture of the Famous Boracay Shore viewed from Station 1

Ok, enough with the things i hate about boracay. At the end of the day, the experience has been more on the positive side rather than bad. if you do get the chance, here's some things you probably want to do while you're on bora:

1. try to get some partying done
2. ride a paraw (avoid jetskis - they destroy coral formations)
3. enjoy milkshakes during the hottest time of day
4. enjoy the sunset, sit by the shore and let the waves wash over your feet.
5. walk barefoot (the powdery white sand is soothing...)
6. take a swim (every single article on great things to do in boracay forgot this one thing... take a bloody swim)
7. take some pics of the locals
8. enjoy international cuisine right on the beach
9. get some souvenir trinkets (saw some interesting foot bikinis, alibata symbols for necklaces, colored sand art)
10. get your pic taken beside the awesome sand castle scupltures. beware, they charge you. in general, be a tourist and just take pics.
11. walk eight to ten kilometers a day and stay fit - yes, station 1 to 3 is about 4 kilometers. The route is made interesting by the hotels and establishments lined up one right after the other in Station 2 - 3.
12. enjoy the sight of gorgeous people (faces and bodies) running around, playing ball, lounging, dancing. beware, if you have low self body esteem, bora may not be the best place to be in as it might induce nightmares and anxiety attacks.
The Famous Sunset
Willy's Isle
Sand Castles
The Ugly Ferris Wheel
Korean Couple
The Hairy Ape
Check on this link to Awesome Planet for some write-ups about activities in Bora.


Anonymous said…
Great take on Boracay! Very honest and humorous.
Boracay Hotels said…
Whew, grabe naman. Hindi nalang ibigay yung privacy ng mga tao, bakit pa kailangan lagyan ng scandal....

Tanya Gemarin
Anonymous said…
Astonishing style. I wish I could write that way.
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