Deadly Norms (x)(",)
a death in the family is a very sad event. usually. so it must be a wonder for guests who came to pay their last respect to my mom when they hear cousins and relatives laughing at some bawd joke or catching up after a long time not seeing each other. i can imagine some stuffy guest saying something about not giving due respect or some hypocritical comment.
let me remind people that the dead doesn't hear praises or cries that reach the rafters of heaven. am sure they'd run away screaming if mom suddenly appeared beside them and gave her personal thanks. reminds me of my sis, she was standing beside the coffin and talking with mom, "ma... remember what we said about whoever dies first gets to visit the one left? I'd like you to come visit me..." aw shucks, a really sappy line... "... just make sure you don't do it at night when am driving." - makes sense.
for those hypocrites, mom would have appreciated their visit when she was alive, not when she's dead and they're stuffing themselves with free food (and horrors, some actually take home some sweets on their way out ). some people probably conveniently forgot that it is a wake they are visiting, not a socials cocktail. a guest actually asked one of the maids to get them some coffee and sweets. am not sure how they missed the stash of instant coffee and snacks conveniently placed on the table so they can make their own. i should have asked the maid to charge them for services rendered.
speaking of manners, i presume that you'd visit the dead when you're done with your breakfast, dinner, lunch, midnight snacks, pick-uppers etc etc. we don't expect this of guests and relatives from out of town, but guests literally living across the road or just a walk away should be more conscious that the family and staff have to get some food during the long wake. i guess this fact is lost when you have some guests "conveniently" arriving just before meals and for some reason seem to have gotten lost wandering around the house and ending up in the really tucked away, secret dining hall. am not kidding, you have to go through the blackhole to get to that part of the house.
it would be bad manners not to offer food, but to actually accept the offer is even worse. There were times when my own dad and siblings had to wait for three batches of visitors who sat down to eat. we talk about the fabled filipino hospitality, but we also have delicadeza and it should apply to the guests' sense of propriety. this is not to say that all guests should refuse the offer as there are some that by virtue of being very close to the family, are just naturally included in family meals. But seriously, a five minute visit does not entitle one to a free meal. There was one guest who just sat on the table took a plate and started eating. At the end of the meal, I just turned to one of the family members and said... "who was that?" my cousin said, "i thought she was part of the family." as it turned out no one even figured out who the person was.
the matter of guests taking some sweets when they leave is just plain tacky. one aunt had the gall to ask for an extra packet of juice and cassava cake so she can bring some home for her child. i was toying with the idea of putting up a sign outside "NO TAKE OUT, DINE IN ONLY" am sure the irony of that board would have been lost to some really, really thick hides. i was entertaining nasty thoughts of dentures getting stuck to sticky cassava cakes... a really entertaining vision.
the whole event does have its own share of bloopers.
some people just refuse to have a look at the body, preferring to remember the deceased when they were still alive. for my sister, it was a traumatic experience that caused her phobia to look at my mom's body. at the time of mom's death, i stayed behind to ensure that the funeral staff handle the body properly and not just lug it like a sack of potato. my sister stayed long enough for her to see the staff wrap the body in the same bedcovers that my mom died in. I saw a strange look come upon her face and she muttered how bad she felt seeing the act and having a sense of finality to it. It didn't help that the car that took the body away failed to start and she had to watch me help the driver push the car to jumpstart it.
throughout the wake she refused to have a look at the body, even when the priests asked family members to come over to bless the coffin after celebrating mass. It was funny and painful at the same time seeing her turn away her head while she sprinkled some holy water on the coffin. Even at the last moment when the coffin was brought to church for the final service and everyone was asked to come over for a last look she refused to budge. My brother was dragging her till in one final heave, he pushed her and she literally tumbled and ended embracing the open casket.
ayeeeeeeeee! that scream filled the whole cathedral.
i have mixed emotions over the whole incident but i can assure you it was a funny sight to the spectator but must be a terrifying experience for my sister.
another character that is absolutely fearful is the one that is holier than though type. the one that proclaims that salvation is ensured by the number of prayers said, danced, sung etc. a cousin of mine kept saying that she felt bad about mom dying considering that mom was very close to her. after a series of irritable litany of things and prayers she's done i simply asked why she wasn't able to visit my mother when she was still alive and in the hospital. she quickly mentioned that she was getting depressed and didn't want to see my mother suffer so she just offered prayers, and she sang the prayers as well for added volume and impact. now, try saying that previous statement without pausing for breath. out of curiosity i asked her where she sang the prayers. she answered, " in the bathroom". great, she has an altar in the bathroom.
the same cousin believes in so many supernatural events that seem to just happen to her. the moment she sat down beside me she said that she can smell a lovely fragrance, i looked over to another cousin and a spark of genius came to life... i muttered that i don't smell anything. as expected she went on about how my mom really liked her etc etc. i didn't want to burst her bubble by telling her my sister is spraying my mom's favourite perfume behind the coffin.
the whole event was a mix of filipino superstitious beliefs about the dead and the practices that surround it. my brother doesn't want the maids to sweep the floor during the whole wake for some strange reason. this frustrated the maids until one blurted that mom would be really pissed to see how the whole place is turning into a dustbin. mom was a bit obsessive compulsive when it comes to cleaning and it must be irritating to see falling flowers, leaves, candy wrappers and the occasional homeless taking shelter littering the place.
my brother finally consented but with the condition that the sweeping should only be done inwards, not outwards. the smart maid started to sweep with motions toward her body while she edged her way to the door. i liked her ingenuity.
another idiotic custom is that the immediate family should not take a bath or a shower for three days during the wake. up to now no one has explained why personal hygiene and the use of deodorant will cause the dead to go to hell. now, every stinking public jeepney or bus driver has an excuse for not using deodorant as mandated by the transport board: uh... my (insert the ill-fated family member's name) died yesterday. bad luck to take a bath.
bad luck to the passengers too.
my dad, the ever practical fellow he is, summed it up pretty nicely when he said he only believes in God. "kun damo ka patihan, damo ka man kahadlukan.” (if you believe in a lot of things, you end up fearing a lot of things…). makes a lot of sense over a lot of nonsense.
-----
side note: we live in kabankalan city, negros occidental. unfortunately, a lot of the practices and beliefs haven't made it through medieval times, worse, it got stuck in the stone age.
let me remind people that the dead doesn't hear praises or cries that reach the rafters of heaven. am sure they'd run away screaming if mom suddenly appeared beside them and gave her personal thanks. reminds me of my sis, she was standing beside the coffin and talking with mom, "ma... remember what we said about whoever dies first gets to visit the one left? I'd like you to come visit me..." aw shucks, a really sappy line... "... just make sure you don't do it at night when am driving." - makes sense.
for those hypocrites, mom would have appreciated their visit when she was alive, not when she's dead and they're stuffing themselves with free food (and horrors, some actually take home some sweets on their way out ). some people probably conveniently forgot that it is a wake they are visiting, not a socials cocktail. a guest actually asked one of the maids to get them some coffee and sweets. am not sure how they missed the stash of instant coffee and snacks conveniently placed on the table so they can make their own. i should have asked the maid to charge them for services rendered.
speaking of manners, i presume that you'd visit the dead when you're done with your breakfast, dinner, lunch, midnight snacks, pick-uppers etc etc. we don't expect this of guests and relatives from out of town, but guests literally living across the road or just a walk away should be more conscious that the family and staff have to get some food during the long wake. i guess this fact is lost when you have some guests "conveniently" arriving just before meals and for some reason seem to have gotten lost wandering around the house and ending up in the really tucked away, secret dining hall. am not kidding, you have to go through the blackhole to get to that part of the house.
it would be bad manners not to offer food, but to actually accept the offer is even worse. There were times when my own dad and siblings had to wait for three batches of visitors who sat down to eat. we talk about the fabled filipino hospitality, but we also have delicadeza and it should apply to the guests' sense of propriety. this is not to say that all guests should refuse the offer as there are some that by virtue of being very close to the family, are just naturally included in family meals. But seriously, a five minute visit does not entitle one to a free meal. There was one guest who just sat on the table took a plate and started eating. At the end of the meal, I just turned to one of the family members and said... "who was that?" my cousin said, "i thought she was part of the family." as it turned out no one even figured out who the person was.
the matter of guests taking some sweets when they leave is just plain tacky. one aunt had the gall to ask for an extra packet of juice and cassava cake so she can bring some home for her child. i was toying with the idea of putting up a sign outside "NO TAKE OUT, DINE IN ONLY" am sure the irony of that board would have been lost to some really, really thick hides. i was entertaining nasty thoughts of dentures getting stuck to sticky cassava cakes... a really entertaining vision.
the whole event does have its own share of bloopers.
some people just refuse to have a look at the body, preferring to remember the deceased when they were still alive. for my sister, it was a traumatic experience that caused her phobia to look at my mom's body. at the time of mom's death, i stayed behind to ensure that the funeral staff handle the body properly and not just lug it like a sack of potato. my sister stayed long enough for her to see the staff wrap the body in the same bedcovers that my mom died in. I saw a strange look come upon her face and she muttered how bad she felt seeing the act and having a sense of finality to it. It didn't help that the car that took the body away failed to start and she had to watch me help the driver push the car to jumpstart it.
throughout the wake she refused to have a look at the body, even when the priests asked family members to come over to bless the coffin after celebrating mass. It was funny and painful at the same time seeing her turn away her head while she sprinkled some holy water on the coffin. Even at the last moment when the coffin was brought to church for the final service and everyone was asked to come over for a last look she refused to budge. My brother was dragging her till in one final heave, he pushed her and she literally tumbled and ended embracing the open casket.
ayeeeeeeeee! that scream filled the whole cathedral.
i have mixed emotions over the whole incident but i can assure you it was a funny sight to the spectator but must be a terrifying experience for my sister.
another character that is absolutely fearful is the one that is holier than though type. the one that proclaims that salvation is ensured by the number of prayers said, danced, sung etc. a cousin of mine kept saying that she felt bad about mom dying considering that mom was very close to her. after a series of irritable litany of things and prayers she's done i simply asked why she wasn't able to visit my mother when she was still alive and in the hospital. she quickly mentioned that she was getting depressed and didn't want to see my mother suffer so she just offered prayers, and she sang the prayers as well for added volume and impact. now, try saying that previous statement without pausing for breath. out of curiosity i asked her where she sang the prayers. she answered, " in the bathroom". great, she has an altar in the bathroom.
the same cousin believes in so many supernatural events that seem to just happen to her. the moment she sat down beside me she said that she can smell a lovely fragrance, i looked over to another cousin and a spark of genius came to life... i muttered that i don't smell anything. as expected she went on about how my mom really liked her etc etc. i didn't want to burst her bubble by telling her my sister is spraying my mom's favourite perfume behind the coffin.
the whole event was a mix of filipino superstitious beliefs about the dead and the practices that surround it. my brother doesn't want the maids to sweep the floor during the whole wake for some strange reason. this frustrated the maids until one blurted that mom would be really pissed to see how the whole place is turning into a dustbin. mom was a bit obsessive compulsive when it comes to cleaning and it must be irritating to see falling flowers, leaves, candy wrappers and the occasional homeless taking shelter littering the place.
my brother finally consented but with the condition that the sweeping should only be done inwards, not outwards. the smart maid started to sweep with motions toward her body while she edged her way to the door. i liked her ingenuity.
another idiotic custom is that the immediate family should not take a bath or a shower for three days during the wake. up to now no one has explained why personal hygiene and the use of deodorant will cause the dead to go to hell. now, every stinking public jeepney or bus driver has an excuse for not using deodorant as mandated by the transport board: uh... my (insert the ill-fated family member's name) died yesterday. bad luck to take a bath.
bad luck to the passengers too.
my dad, the ever practical fellow he is, summed it up pretty nicely when he said he only believes in God. "kun damo ka patihan, damo ka man kahadlukan.” (if you believe in a lot of things, you end up fearing a lot of things…). makes a lot of sense over a lot of nonsense.
-----
side note: we live in kabankalan city, negros occidental. unfortunately, a lot of the practices and beliefs haven't made it through medieval times, worse, it got stuck in the stone age.
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