Saturday, July 17, 2010

a no brainer nosebleed


the new predator(s) movie is as racist as it gets.

the list of characters read like the worst sort of stereotypes: (1) a mexican drug cartel henchman, (2) a west african sierra leone RUF death squad officer, (3) a member of the russian spetsnaz, (4) a white trash rapist in deathrow, (5) a japanese samurai wielding yakuza, (6) a psychotic doctor who moonlights as a serial killer, (7) a brazilian black ops sniper and (8) and an american soldier turned mercenary.

except for the russian and brazilian grunts, everyone else seem to be engaged in illegal or subversive activities.

the premise is simple enough, human "predators" are abducted by dreadlocked aliens, released in an alien planet where the humans (and other captured aliens) become the prey.

if anyone watched the original predator movie (Predator, 1987, Arnold Schwarzenegger) then you know that it is just a matter of time before everyone gets stabbed, beheaded, blownup, chopped, diced and thrown in the blender for good measure.

after a while, the novelty of the movie wore thin and i pretended to be paul, the psychic octopus - picking the order of character deaths. i was able to predict each and every "death" perfectly using only one criteria: the cultural/racial pecking order.

if you haven't watched the movie, then tough luck. i previously introduced the characters in the order they were killed except for the last two. take time to read the list again and you'll understand why i said that this movie is "racist".

the brazilian beauty survived, or should i say, MUST live - otherwise the american mercenary won't have the "eve" to his adam.

frankly, i had more fun pitting the predators with other aliens in my own version of Predators Vs. Alien match up. Here are a couple of suggestions:

Predators vs. Superman (he IS an alien, Kryptonian) - the predators die of laughter when they see their spandex clad foe.

Predators vs. Darth Vader (Tatooine race) - fight is constantly interrupted by darth vader taking out is asthma inhaler.

Predator vs. ET - ET gets decapitated in the first five seconds of the movie. end of film.

Predator vs. Klaatu (keanu reeves, alien from The Day the Earth Stood Still) - predators can't get Klaatu to show any expression and eventually leave him alone, mistaking klaatu as a "plant" judging from his emotional acting range.

and last but not the least...

Predator vs. Yoda (aka Jose De Venecia) - since Star Wars never really revealed Yoda's actual race, we can safely assume he is a filipino midget in de venecia's family. the similarities are uncanny.

3 comments:

Erich Jao said...

i like the last few paragraphs, they truly brightened my day, especially yoda nee jdv.

but aren't you impugning yoda's character? to besmirch his philosophy with an individual like jdv is almost heretical. hehe.

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