Dark Thoughts

My mom had her follow up CT Scan first week of May 2006. The results are not that great, ok, bad. Suffice to say that the cancer has progressed to the lungs, liver and the aorta. The doctor has prescribed another medicine (Tarceva) to compliment Gemzar. The data though is not that encouraging as the results of using the medicine in combination with Gemzar does not really significantly increase survival or tumor response.

Then again, the reality is that we are now working on extending survival of my mother, cure at this stage is not really within "logical" expectations.

But when it comes to life, logic seem to have no reason. Despite the financial burdens, we continue to work on getting her treatment - as my sister said, she wouldn't give up on us, and thus we are not giving up on her.

When I pray to God I hardly say please CURE her, the reality of the matter is that I pray that she be spared from the pain. I have a hard time dealing with the pain. I seriously think of shutting out this episode from my life, like it doesn't exist or that this is just a bad dream. Am just as bad in dealing with this reality as my sister who blindly refuses to see the inevitable, or the fact that my dad is feeling clueless about this situation. It is hard to see your parent rendered unable to make critical decisions - bottomline, financials do matter and my sister's just about drowning in the responsibility to help out. What I pray for now is that I get back to the corporate world so i can do my bit in helping out in the finances..

I feel selfish at times, I feel like I have to give some more but am always thinking about what's going to happen to me a year from now, when I would be needing the finances to help me through setting up my own company and or finally getting a job.

These are the questions I ask myself again and again, but at the end of the day, I know that if I am able I will help out. I just hope that I have enough time to be able to help out.. These are the moments that I leave it all to God and pray for His Will.

I'm in a dark place God, I need your light.

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